If there is one thing I know as a parent, it is that somehow, someway, regardless of how I may think I’m doing the right thing in raising my children – I WILL screw them up. I know this with every fibre of my being because invariably, every client I work with is struggling, to some degree, with how their parents screwed them up. I’m simply choosing to accept it as part of what is rather than getting myself tied into a knot over it.
However, it is the choices we made as a child, ones we may not even be aware of, that I want you to think about. One that I didn’t even realize was possible until just a few short days ago. I grew up in an abusive home, mostly verbal and emotional abuse, however, physical abuse, aka ‘discipline’, was not unknown to me.
I was also quite lonely as a child. I was different. I wasn’t the coolest kid, or the prettiest, or the best at sports. I lost myself in books and long, engaging conversations with my teddy bears. Go ahead, giggle, I’m good with it! I realized much later in life that those conversations were actually with my Guides – but that’s a whole other blog posting!
As an adult, I have given birth to two children and I love them both dearly. However, I will readily admit that there were times during their young lives when I enjoyed them more than others. I will be the first to admit that I was never a ‘stay at home mom’ type of personality. It just wasn’t in me. I will also admit to having absolutely no desire to ‘play’ with my kids. Oh, I’d take them to the park and push the swing, but I rarely sat my own butt in the swing to play ‘with’ them. I didn’t play tickle or tumble or wrestling or any of the other fun games that, thankfully, my husband engaged in readily and often. My kids and I were exceptionally fortunate that Paul is the kind of person he is, as we seemed to balance each other wonderfully.
Up until just last week, I had accepted that ‘play’ was simply not part of my personality. I just wasn’t wired that way. I’ve tried some different tools and techniques to incorporate more ‘play’ into my life, but it never felt natural or even fun. So, I chose to accept it as being what it is and moved on.
Last weekend I attended a 3-day workshop with my Shamanic community in Crowsnest Pass, Alberta. Throughout that weekend, there were shifts that were so unbelievable that I am still trying to figure it all out. But the single biggest awareness that came to me over that weekend was this:
When I was a child, I consciously chose to send my ‘little girl’ (aka ‘inner child’) away. I did this so she would be safe. I did this so she wouldn’t have to bear the brunt of the pain, emotional and physical. The pain that was inflicted not only by my family, but by other kids, circumstances, etc. I was able to remember the exact moment when I made this decision and I could even replicate the sensation of being separated from myself, of feeling closed off somehow.
After the weekend, I had the most incredible experience where I was introduced to my ‘little girl’ who was now all grown up, and yet, magically, she retained that sense fun and play. There simply aren’t words to describe the feelings within me. She was so beautiful, happy and joyful; she literally glowed. Light emanated from her unlike anything I have ever seen. I was initially confused as to who she was, this beautiful being of light. Then I embraced her and she showed me. She showed me all of the pain and hardships that I bore so she could be safe. She showed me the beautiful and blessed life she was able to live because of my sacrifices and strength. She showed me the value of the gifts that I was blessed with because of my experiences, but that there are even more gifts awaiting me, because then she told me, “I am you”.
I stood in utter shock and disbelief that this beautiful woman could be me, and yet, I knew it was true at the most fundamental part of who I am. Since that ‘introduction’, she has become a part of me. We’re still feeling each other out, trying to assimilate and integrate so we are seamless. But I already sense her fun within me. Paul and I went out to dinner the next night for our Anniversary and I had butterflies in anticipation of a ‘date’ with my sexy guy!
What I can tell you is that I feel complete in a way I have never known before. I can also tell you that since meeting my ‘little girl’ I have not heard a single peep out of that ‘little voice’ in my head. I’m not sure what the correlation there is, but I’m going with it because the silence in my head is so profound that I notice it many times throughout the day and then I simply take a breath, give thanks for it and keep going.
I know I share many of my very personal stories with you, so it may seem strange that I was initially reluctant to share this one, as it seems so intimate, a look inside of me that few people ever have. But today I was compelled to share it. I only write a blog when I am compelled to do so. Today the message was – there are others who have also chosen to send their ‘inner child’ away. But they do not know that the have done so, and they too deserve the opportunity to find their joy in play, to become their ‘complete’ self.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore this idea. Contact me for more information.
Enjoying the Journey! ~Trish






