Where is Your Inner Child?

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If there is one thing I know as a parent, it is that somehow, someway, regardless of how I may think I’m doing the right thing in raising my children – I WILL screw them up. I know this with every fibre of my being because invariably, every client I work with is struggling, to some degree, with how their parents screwed them up. I’m simply choosing to accept it as part of what is rather than getting myself tied into a knot over it.

However, it is the choices we made as a child, ones we may not even be aware of, that I want you to think about. One that I didn’t even realize was possible until just a few short days ago. I grew up in an abusive home, mostly verbal and emotional abuse, however, physical abuse, aka ‘discipline’, was not unknown to me.

I was also quite lonely as a child. I was different. I wasn’t the coolest kid, or the prettiest, or the best at sports. I lost myself in books and long, engaging conversations with my teddy bears. Go ahead, giggle, I’m good with it! I realized much later in life that those conversations were actually with my Guides – but that’s a whole other blog posting!

As an adult, I have given birth to two children and I love them both dearly. However, I will readily admit that there were times during their young lives when I enjoyed them more than others. I will be the first to admit that I was never a ‘stay at home mom’ type of personality. It just wasn’t in me. I will also admit to having absolutely no desire to ‘play’ with my kids. Oh, I’d take them to the park and push the swing, but I rarely sat my own butt in the swing to play ‘with’ them. I didn’t play tickle or tumble or wrestling or any of the other fun games that, thankfully, my husband engaged in readily and often. My kids and I were exceptionally fortunate that Paul is the kind of person he is, as we seemed to balance each other wonderfully.

Up until just last week, I had accepted that ‘play’ was simply not part of my personality. I just wasn’t wired that way. I’ve tried some different tools and techniques to incorporate more ‘play’ into my life, but it never felt natural or even fun. So, I chose to accept it as being what it is and moved on.

Last weekend I attended a 3-day workshop with my Shamanic community in Crowsnest Pass, Alberta. Throughout that weekend, there were shifts that were so unbelievable that I am still trying to figure it all out. But the single biggest awareness that came to me over that weekend was this:

When I was a child, I consciously chose to send my ‘little girl’ (aka ‘inner child’) away. I did this so she would be safe. I did this so she wouldn’t have to bear the brunt of the pain, emotional and physical. The pain that was inflicted not only by my family, but by other kids, circumstances, etc. I was able to remember the exact moment when I made this decision and I could even replicate the sensation of being separated from myself, of feeling closed off somehow.

After the weekend, I had the most incredible experience where I was introduced to my ‘little girl’ who was now all grown up, and yet, magically, she retained that sense fun and play. There simply aren’t words to describe the feelings within me. She was so beautiful, happy and joyful; she literally glowed. Light emanated from her unlike anything I have ever seen. I was initially confused as to who she was, this beautiful being of light. Then I embraced her and she showed me. She showed me all of the pain and hardships that I bore so she could be safe. She showed me the beautiful and blessed life she was able to live because of my sacrifices and strength. She showed me the value of the gifts that I was blessed with because of my experiences, but that there are even more gifts awaiting me, because then she told me, “I am you”.

I stood in utter shock and disbelief that this beautiful woman could be me, and yet, I knew it was true at the most fundamental part of who I am. Since that ‘introduction’, she has become a part of me. We’re still feeling each other out, trying to assimilate and integrate so we are seamless. But I already sense her fun within me. Paul and I went out to dinner the next night for our Anniversary and I had butterflies in anticipation of a ‘date’ with my sexy guy!

What I can tell you is that I feel complete in a way I have never known before. I can also tell you that since meeting my ‘little girl’ I have not heard  a single peep out of that ‘little voice’ in my head. I’m not sure what the correlation there is, but I’m going with it because the silence in my head is so profound that I notice it many times throughout the day and then I simply take a breath, give thanks for it and keep going.

I know I share many of my very personal stories with you, so it may seem strange that I was initially reluctant to share this one, as it seems so intimate, a look inside of me that few people ever have. But today I was compelled to share it. I only write a blog when I am compelled to do so. Today the message was – there are others who have also chosen to send their ‘inner child’ away. But they do not know that the have done so, and they too deserve the opportunity to find their joy in play, to become their ‘complete’ self.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore this idea. Contact me for more information.

Enjoying the Journey! ~Trish

A Prayer for the Bullies

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My 19-year old son is being bullied. I’ve been thinking on this long and hard. I will admit, there were moments when my rage over what was being done was so great that I could hardly speak and the thoughts going through my head were definitely along the lines of wanting to do physical damage to someone (namely the bully – and isn’t that just the problem). But at some point, despite the ongoing and continuous threats against my son, I realized that in a bully-bullied relationship, everyone is a victim, and both the bully and the bullied need to know they have options, that they have choices other than the ones they’ve employed thus far. So, as I lay in bed tonight, after a midnight call from the bullies making crank calls to our home, I allowed myself the opportunity to go inside the mind of the bully and I was deeply touched by what I learned there. As a result, I offer this prayer, to the bullies, and to the bullied.

To the child within you who has felt the sting and shock of an unprovoked slap across the face, I offer you a cool cloth and I tell you you did nothing wrong, that despite the pain, both physical and emotional, this is not about you.

To the child within you who has known the weight and burn of a leather belt across your back far too many times to count, I offer you a salve, a gentle touch, a light cotton sheet, a loving hand on your head and a whisper in your ear that it’s over now. That even though you may not believe me right now, someday you will be able to leave the pain behind and reclaim your power.

To the child within you who has hardened your heart and put on your tough guy/girl face to cover up the fact that you need to skip gym class for fear others will see your bruises, I take you aside and tell you authentically that while I know you’re tough, I also see how amazing you are and that I know someday you will do great things in the world.

To the child within you who has been touched inappropriately by the very person who is supposed to keep you safe, I offer you a warm blanket, a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows, I pledge to listen to your words or your silence without judgment and I tell you there is no shame in what’s been done to you. What was done to you was wrong and the fault lies completely with the person who did it to you. I tell you that you are still brand new inside and when you’re ready, you will emerge true and strong.

To the bully you have become, I tell you I am sorry that you have known the fear of physical pain. I am sorry you are far too familiar with the sick feeling in your gut at the anticipation of being screamed at without knowing the reason why. I am sorry you have been made to feel ‘less’ than you really are.

I offer you this prayer so that you may know that you are whole inside, even though you may feel broken. So that you may know you are worthy even though you have been led to believe you are nothing. So that you know that even though you have been taught that this is the way – there are other choices. You can choose to dig deep into that well of light within you and become who you were meant to be rather than who you were conditioned to be. Every time you feel the need to put someone else down you can choose instead to do nothing. Every time you feel you have to prove yourself or how tough you are, you can choose to know you are everything, hence you have nothing to prove. Every time you would raise a hand against another, you can remember how it made you feel when someone raised a hand against you and you can choose not to be the type of person who would knowingly do that to another.

To every bully out there I offer you unconditional love and I wish for you even a single moment when you can feel what that truly means. For once you have known it, you cannot un-know it, and it will change you.

To those who are bullied, know that it is your light that creates fear in those who walk in darkness. Know that what they do is driven by fear – theirs, not yours. Trust that your light is bright enough and strong enough to push the darkness back. Know that you are stronger than you can imagine. Hang on, no matter what. One day you will look back and know that you are stronger for the experience. Know that someday the scars you carry from your experiences are likely only a fraction of those your bully carries. Leave a place in your heart for forgiveness, even if it seems impossible today.

To those who are bullied I offer you unconditional love and I wish for you even a single moment when you can feel what that truly means. For once you have known it, you cannot un-know it, and it will change you.

Amen.

Peeling Back the Layers…and Layers…and Layers

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I love the onion analogy for our spiritual growth. You know, how we keep ‘peeling back the layers of the onion’. Interestingly enough, the more you get into the onion, the more you cry – both literally and figuratively. Keeps the tear ducts clean I say. Well, I FINALLY  feel as if I’m getting to the core of the onion – where it seems the onion has the most substance – which, of course, means my biggest issues!

I’m feeling like the outer layers of the onion are those that are reflected outside of me, i.e. the ‘Mirror Theory’. If you’re not familiar with this, here’s the lowdown – essentially the Mirror Theory suggests that those people who trigger a strong emotional reaction in you are simply showing you something about yourself that you either don’t want to acknowledge, don’t want to deal with or that you’re hanging on to for some reason. They are your mirror. Click here for a more detailed description.

What I am now finding, is that there is very little that triggers me anymore. I’ve looked at, released, forgiven and let go of the majority of the issues that were able to be presented to me via the ‘mirror’ as it were. So, now that I’m not getting triggered, does that mean I’ve dealt with all of my issues? Uh – NO! In fact, the issues that I am now uncovering are doozies.

Getting to the core of the onion is requiring an entirely different level of awareness. I’m finding that I am more aware of what is (or is not) happening in my interactions with others, but more importantly I’m paying attention to my ‘thoughts’ around those interactions. This is where I’m finding the gems – those HUGE issues that are so deeply ingrained into who I am that they are subconsciously affecting my ability to get where I want to go or to be who I really am.

Here are two examples of what I’m talking about.

Example 1

I went to see a wonderful friend (hey Christine!) who does PSYCH-K work, a wonderful form of energy work that helps you to uncover your fears, beliefs, etc. and then gives you the tools to release them. During my interaction with Christine, she all of a sudden said to me, ‘You have a fear that nobody wants to hear what you have to say.”

Well, to say that set me back on my ass is an understatement. On the one hand, I immediately agreed with her and understood within nanoseconds exactly why I had created that fear. On the other hand I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t already figured it out – it was so logical. And yet, the shift upon the realization of it was HUGE. The whole thing was crazy!

Let me walk you through this fear and where it stemmed from. I have always had the ability to ‘see’. I see the future – not in a psychic way per say, but more because I can put together all of the information I know at any one time and I can sense the energy of where its going such that it creates a picture for me. Some people would say I’ve always been ahead of my time. In addition, I am exceptionally good at reading the energy of others. So, during my career, I had an innate ability to ‘read’ people and situations and I would tell my leadership and co-workers what I thought/felt/saw about it. For example, I could tell who was on-board with a strategic shift in the direction of the company, who wasn’t and who was trying to sabotage. They often referred to me (kindly) as a witch. However, what they didn’t do was listen to me. I got the proverbial pat on the head and was sent back to my desk. Without fail, six months later I’d get a call, “Trish, I wish I had listened to you.” Really??? No duh!

The point here is that I want you to see how this subconscious fear was developed and then continued to be reinforced year after year such that it literally became a part of who I was. Imagine, an author and speaker afraid that nobody wants to hear what I had to say – but there it is!

What’s more interesting…since I released that fear I’ve had speaking engagements coming out of the woodwork!

Example 2

The second example came to me just recently. Paul and I recently met some absolutely wonderful people and we are in ongoing conversations about potential business opportunities. Testing the waters, seeing how we might work together. During every call with these people they would make a comment to the effect of, “Tell us how we can help you make money – we want you to be successful.”

Now, let me be very clear, every time I heard them say this two things were happening simultaneously. First, my HEART knew without question that this was an authentic and genuine request, and that they did, in fact, want us to answer them and that they would do whatever they could to help us get where we want to go. Second, and happening simultaneously, my HEAD was saying, “nice platitude, thanks” just a wee bit sarcastically and I’d smile that secret smile to myself as if I knew something the rest of the world didn’t (not sure what I thought I knew, but that’s what happened).

So, after this happened three or four times I started to get fed up. I KNEW these people were genuine in their desire to help me, so what was with the sarcastic / nice platitude attitude? I went to my room and meditated on this. I specifically focused on trying to understand why my head and my heart were not in alignment and why I would possibly think that there was anything insincere about their offer. Within minutes I had my answer. Are you ready for this? (I wasn’t!) My underlying, subconscious, insidious fear was that nobody wants to help me.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Good Lord. So, in I went and released and forgave and let go of that fear. Guess what? You cannot believe the number of people who have stepped forward to ‘help me’ since that day just a short 2 weeks ago.

I’m not sure there’s an easy way to get to the heart of the onion. On the one hand I’m amazed at this point I have anything left to ‘discover’ (I should have kept a list!), but on the other hand, I feel as if I’m close to releasing the biggest, juiciest and yet somehow the simplest of them all. And once the center of that onion is gone, well, I’ll let you know how that turns out for me!

Moving from Cat Days to Dog Days and the Lessons in Between

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Cats make wonderful pets. I’ve had at least one, if not several of them, my entire life. I feel I can say with some authority that they are quite selfish in nature. They live the ‘it’s all about ME’ mantra. They’ll hang out with you when ‘they’ feel like it. They’ll let you pick them up if ‘they’ want you to. If you’ve forgotten to feed them they will let you know about it long and loud. Of course, each cat has their own unique personality and some are more ‘people-oriented’ than others, but then, that’s true of humans as well. I will say, however, that when I’m not feeling well, or I am sad, my cat is always right there with me and won’t leave until I’m feeling better. This tells me that even those humans who may appear selfish likely have a deep well of selflessness and a wonderful capacity to give to others in the right circumstances.

Dogs, on the other hand, are all about YOU! How can they help you, how can they love you, how can they serve you. Even when we get mad at them, they quickly forgive, forget and move on. As with the cat, if I’m sad or depressed the dog also stays right by my side – although I don’t really even have to be unhappy for that to happen! But what I did start to find interesting was that when I was sad or not feeling well my dog and cat (who generally don’t get along) strike a truce and lie on either side of me without bothering the other. Once I’m better, they’re back to the status quo.

As I observed this I started to think about my own journey. By my very nature, I tend to be more on the selfish side. It’s not so much that I’m actively trying to be selfish, it’s just that I don’t always think of others before myself. I know many wonderful, beautiful people who do think of others first and when I observe them I am always in awe at how they remember to do that all the time. I’m terrible at it! However, as I have come to the place where my cup is full and has started to overflow, I am finding that I have a strong desire to be ‘in service’ to others, to put their needs ahead of my own. As I look at this significant turning point in my perspective and my own growth, I feel very much as if I moved from my ‘cat days’ to my ‘dog days’.

Initially, I believed this shift from ‘cat’ to ‘dog’ was permanent, however, I realized a few months later that it is actually a balance I will need to learn. My inner cat allows me to remember to always keep my cup full and not allow it to be ‘dipped into’, that when I ‘give’ it must be from overflow. So, when I am full and overflowing with love, I can live my inner dog. When I am starting to feel depleted and lost, it is time to focus again on my inner cat.

I love this analogy because the difference between the cat and the dog is so significant just as the difference between taking care of ourselves first and giving to others is just as significant.

We need to learn to recognize the need for one or the other and release our judgments about them. We do not need to feel guilty for putting ourselves first, especially if we look at this as a cycle. The more we focus on our inner cat and become full, the more overflow we’ll have to give from our inner dog. It’s a total win-win!

We need to accept that our inner cat ensures that we are whole first before we start giving of ourselves to others. We also need to let go of any guilt we may have around putting ourselves first or being a little selfish. I mean, when was the last time you met a guilty-looking cat!

When our cup is full I believe we must give of ourselves fully, just like the dogs do, with our whole hearts and all of the love we carry in them.

I encourage you to embrace your inner cat and dog!

Enjoying the Journey! ~Trish

Surrender is the Key to Your Expanded Self

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I received a message the other night. It was as if I was dreaming, yet I was wide awake. I would think a thought – any thought – and then it would consume my entire body as if I was going to explode. My mind was so full it felt like it was going to break open, and my body was so full of the energy of the ‘thought’ it was as if it was going to break open my skin – I felt trapped, and yet on my periphery, I could sense there was a message there for me about this, that this was a very literal way to show me something that I needed to know. It got so bad, I woke my husband up from a dead sleep – I couldn’t breathe for the weight in my chest.

I sat with this the following morning. I went and lied down on the grass, allowing myself to ground, to release my requirement to think to the earth – to simply feel and allow any messages to come. The message I got was, “You need to become your Expanded Self.” This wasn’t outside of the realm of what I know – I’ve been to workshops before where I’ve learned that simply changing your thoughts about something can allow you to expand and become bigger than you were before – and that once you’ve done that, you can’t go back to being small again, you simply are now bigger, and that this evolution continues – with A-HA moments, growth, etc. But somehow, this was different. The sense I got was that my Expanded Self is my direct connection to everything – that, in essence, it is everything. I already believe that I AM all that is – I’ve held this belief for some time now, so this was a bit disturbing for me – the thought that even though I already believed I AM everything, now there was something more. Well, DUH! Of course the moment we believe we know it all (a-hem) we learn that we know nothing.

So here I am, lying on the grass in my front yard and I’m not fighting this knowledge, simply acknowledging that this is the next evolution in my journey. Intuitively I also knew there was a key – some mechanism that would allow ease of flow into my Expanded Self on demand, and ultimately, that I could simply choose to live there – in the space of my Expanded Self.

Later that day I spoke to an artist friend of mine about this as I felt she would create a piece of art to reflect this at some point. She totally got it. Interestingly, we were at a Guitar Hero competition that afternoon. I was absolutely in awe of the amazing talent, and as the winner (a 17 year-old who has only been playing for 2 years) was ‘in the zone’ and doing his thing I realized, he is, in that moment, channeling his Expanded Self. It is part of the entirety of what he is, and yet, he is not fully in his Expanded Self, merely catching a thread of it, for the entirety of the Expanded Self  is so much more and we must be ready. Until we are ready, we have access to it, as we might receive a regular allowance from a Trust Fund, and yet, we are not yet ready for the responsibility of the Trust Fund itself.

I went to bed, knowing there was a key, and knowing also that it would be made clear to me when the time was right. For those of you who know me, that sentence says everything – as I’m not generally known for my patience in waiting for things to appear!

And so it was the very next morning that I got the key. And I have to say that I was not even remotely surprised, and was even a little disappointed in myself that I didn’t see it earlier. The key is Surrender. To surrender to your Expanded Self. To have no expectation, to have no requirements, no plans, no desires of what it will be, to simply allow it to be. And there it was. There I was – my Expanded Self. The thought or emotion that was an ’8′ in my physical body, was barely a blip in my Expanded Self.

I’ve been playing with this for a few days now. When we went to the beach, I ran my hands through the sand and gloried in the sense that my Expanded Self is all of that – the sun, the sand, the waves, the trees, the power of everything. When I jog in the park with my dog, I surrender to my Expanded Self to draw more breath, to draw more strength, to know my power at a fundamental level and thereby release the thought that I’m not enough – in any way. I am all of that and more. I can now choose to step fully into my Expanded Self and watch, as an observer, my life as if from a distance. Or, I can simply draw on the essence of a single aspect of my Expanded Self to support me in a particular endeavor.

This morning I began to wonder about separation. How we have separated ourselves from others through beliefs and conditioning. However, I now understand that we have also separated from our Expanded Selves. Theoretically, I believe that we can either choose to become one with all, and through that process become one with our Expanded Selves, or become one with our Expanded Selves and through that process become one with all. I do believe that they are distinct and different processes, and yet, I also believe that one will logically flow into the other. A simple analogy: when our clients start educating themselves on the importance of eating organic and natural foods for the health of their bodies, at some point in their transition, they become more aware and naturally start to have more respect for their environment by not using toxic products, etc. One process logically flowed into the next and it also would works in reverse – people who respect the environment, at some point also start to respect their bodies and learn to take care of them properly as well (yes, I know – lots of generalizations, however, I’ve seen it enough with our clients to prove it true for me, and hey, it’s my blog!)

When I think that we are all ONE (and I do), it is as if I have somehow become inconsequential in the process. As if it is the whole that is more important – and in many ways I also believe that is the case. However, as I have been playing with my Expanded Self, I am realizing that me, being fully who I am in my expansion (beyond the limited capacity of my human body/thoughts/ideas/beliefs), is integral to the whole – an entirely different perspective.

I also realize that I am still limited to my human body, thoughts, ideas and beliefs, but each time I choose to surrender into my Expanded Self, I am more, I am capable of more, I am ‘expanded’ for lack of a better term.

Enjoying the Journey! ~ Trish

Guest Blogger Tania Moeykens – A View of Healthcare

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Yes, it’s been a while since my last posting. But for those who follow my posts, you know I don’t do it for the sake of doing it, I do it when I’m inspired. And while much has been going on of late, I haven’t been inspired to write anything in particular. I’m feeling more of a sense of ‘sit back and take it all in’. So that’s what I’m doing. However, a few weeks ago I was at a Journey Circle being hosted by my wonderful new friend Tania Moeykens, and she shared this essay with us. I knew I had to share this with you. She wrote it as part of her new course. Tania has recently stepped fully into her power – stepping out of her corporate job and into her gift as a healer. I can’t wait to see how she emerges!

Here is Tania’s essay on her vision of Health-Care:

I, like many other people, believe that a change is taking place in how ‘health care’ is defined and delivered in today’s society.  I am excited about the new visions in this field, and welcome any tools that will enhance my ability to be part of that change.

My vision for natural health and wellness is multi-faceted yet united.  I believe in the “one health, one disease” approach.  There is an inherent integration of body, mind, and spirit; the whole is always greater than the sum of its parts.  There is also a connection between the individual and his environment; the internal and the external function better as a symbiotic relationship.  Western medicine has broken down and isolated the individual into symptoms, and somehow the person as an entity has gotten lost in the process.  Yet the effects of any one of these factors on the others, and thus on the whole, is difficult to ignore.  Tying in with this is the concept of having the client take ownership of his/her own health.  Healing the spirit and the emotions can only come from within. Tools and resources can be made available to someone, but the choice as to what to do with them belongs to that person alone.  Optimal health and wellness cannot follow an external reliance on others to solve internal problems.  Therefore the role of the natural health practitioner is that of educator offering guidance rather than prescriptive in nature.  I also believe the best way to educate others is by example – light the way through a caring approach, adherence to one’s own principles, and a strong educational base.

I start with an innate intuition of energy and the human body.  In the last few years, I have regenerated my thyroid gland, overcome hypoglycemia, balanced female problems and avoided surgery, and am currently regaining hearing in one ear after its absence since childhood.  My emotional, intellectual, and spiritual faculties have blossomed in accordance with the physical.  I have ecstatically discovered that my intuitive abilities extend to others.   It is not lost on me that as I immerse myself in the studies of health and wellness, my own health can only improve.  And this can only enhance my abilities to help others.

Tania Moeykens

Enjoying the Journey! ~Trish

Guest Blogger Kony Dengel – The Dream Promoter

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I met Kony Dengel a few months ago through a mutual friend (thanks Cec!). She totally ‘gets it’ – you know when you’re talking to someone and you literally don’t even have to finish your sentences because they already ‘get’ what you’re talking about. She’s one of those people who, when you’re talking to her, you keep talking faster and faster because you can’t believe that there’s really someone out there who totally ‘gets’ you and your thought processes – you think, “AHHH, I’m not a freak!”. Yes, Kony is one of those rare finds. We all have them in our lives, I am blessed to have quite a few, and Kony is definitely one of them!

I was talking to Kony last week and we were discussing a blog posting by Lauren Gorgo. This blog posting was magnificent. It totally captured exactly where I feel I am right now and articulated things I had not been able to even wrap my head around, and yet I felt them. I felt out of sorts, confused, unsure of the Universe and the messages I was receiving. Should I go back into corporate, should I focus on the book, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Well, Lauren’s blog was like a revelation for me. Now, I understand we’re not all in the same place, so it may not have the same punch for you, but if it does, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

So, back to my conversation with Kony…she’s talking about money. Specifically about how some of us are simply not built to desire money for money’s sake. And that when we’re sitting there wishing we had more of it, it’s still not about the money, but what we want to do with the money or what we think we need the money to help us accomplish. She also brought up the point that often we sit in ‘want’ of money, but at some level we already realize that when the money arrives, it simply allows us to move to the next place in whatever we’re doing, it is an energy or a vehicle, but it is not the underlying driver. The money, whether we have it or whether we don’t, is not the issue (although it certainly feels like it when there isn’t any!)

Upon recognizing this, Kony asked herself, “What is the missing piece?”

She then shared her experience with me and I found it so powerful that I had chills as she was talking to me on the phone. She was so passionate about this, that I literally felt myself being empowered by what she was saying. I knew this was coming from a Universal intelligence and that Kony was a conduit for the message.

“There was a sense of sadness-depression like state that I was feeling in my life and the circumstances that I found myself in.  A friend of mine recently told me that she had to get really pissed-off about something in her life in order for her to make the changes necessary to shift out of her circumstances.  I thought about that concept and knew that is what I needed to do to pull myself out of this powerlessness – I had to get really pissed and angry to move this emotion.  So in asking what is it that I really want to change in my life, I thought at first what I really wanted to change is the financial situation that I am in, but that wasn’t it.  This will only pacify me for a certain time period and I am still left with my limitations.  So then I’m asking myself what is it that I really need to get pissed about, the answer was the entire limitation that I have placed upon myself.  Not knowing and not feeling who I really am is what I want to change; that I want to fully awaken to feeling myself fully realized, in full power and full knowing, because from that place there is no lack, there is no limitation and there is no scarcity, and I can manifest with ease.  Right after doing this exercise, a shift took place and I feel lighter, freer, and more powerful.”
~ Kony Dengel, Dream Promoter & Owner of Passionate Promotions


Kony Dengel!

Even reading this again as I am writing this blog posting, I get chills. It is often not about what we think it is about – if we simply find within ourselves who we are fully realized, who we are in our full power, who we ARE – we are complete.

Enjoying the Journey! ~Trish

“The Mask I Wear” – From Trish’s Archives

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Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks
Masks that I’m afraid to take off
And none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me
But don’t be fooled,
For God’s sake, don’t be  fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm
and I’m in command,
and that I need no one.
But don’t believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear exposing them.
That’s why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They’re nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation,
And I know it.

That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
And if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
From my own self-built prison walls
I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I’m playing,the superficial phony game.
I’d really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing
that assures me of what I can’t assure myself,
That I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this.
I don’t dare.
I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing,
that I’m just no good
And you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks.

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s nothing
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I’m not saying
Hear what I’d like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
I dislike hiding, honestly, I do.
I’d really like to be genuine, spontaneous and real,
But I am afraid.

Please help me to beat down these walls.
A long conviction of worthlessness to break through these walls,
But LOVE is stronger than walls.
Please try to break through these walls, with firm, but gentle hands.
For a child is very sensitive, and I am a child.

Who am I , you may wonder.
I am someone you know very well – for I am every man, woman, child,
Every human being you meet.

Don’t be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

~Author Unknown

“The Box” – From Trish’s Archives

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I’m moving! Always an interesting process. Our first major move was from Nova Scotia to Vancouver Island. Needless to say, when you’re paying $1/lb to ship your belongings, it certainly makes you reconsider how much ‘stuff’ you really want to keep. We didn’t keep much I actually love the cathartic process of moving – of sorting through my stuff and being absolutely ruthless about what is and is not important. On the other side of the coin, when you go through all of your belongings you invariably find things you’ve held onto over the years for sentimental reasons. I’m always amazed that no matter how much time passes, these things still have meaning for me – although, often the meaning it has changes over time.

As I was sifting through my papers over the weekend I came across one file folder marked ‘Trish – Personal’ that I hadn’t seen since I packed it in Nova Scotia more than 5 years ago. As I went through it I  was amazed at the beautiful wisdom I’ve held onto over the years. I’ll be sharing these with you over the coming weeks and will entitle them “From Trish’s Archives” so you’ll know that’s where they’re from.

“The Box” was an email I received from John White in Newfoundland in 2002. Interestingly, I don’t even remember a John White, but I distinctly remember this story. I remember it because it brought me to my knees as I realized that it was describing me, and not in a good way! I was horrified when I read it.  At the time I had serious OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) tendencies and I, too, would have freaked if my daughter had done this – only to have been crushed when I found out why. What I find really interesting, however, is that when I read it this time all I could see was how beautiful it was. I still sobbed when I read it, but this time the tears were from a place of joy and truly understanding the nature of this gift, versus being horrified at seeing myself in the story. Who says people can’t change?

THE BOX

The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her 5-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas Tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and said, “This is for you Momma.”

The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over-reaction, but her anger flared again when she found the box was empty. She spoke to the little girl in a harsh manner, “Don’t you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there’s supposed to be something inside the package?”

The little girl looked up at her with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Momma, it’s not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full.” The mother was so crushed, she fell to her knees and put her arms around her little girl and begged her to forgive her for her unnecessary anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life. Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems, she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who put it there.

In a very real way, each of us, as human beings, have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family and/or friends. There is no more precious a possession anyone could hold. Friends are like angels who lift you to your feet when your wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Author Unknown.

Enjoying the Journey! ~Trish